I wish

I wish I was better at this. I wish I knew how to help my son, how to communicate with him that I cherish him, love the snot out of him, and also that it is not ok to poop and smear it on the walls. I wish there was a way for me to push a button and see what is in his brain, what he is feeling at school and in therapy. The challenge of having a severely speech delayed kiddo is that I have no idea how much he is getting. At times, I can see glimpses that he is far smarter than I give him credit for. But here I stay, in this limbo of wondering how much to expect and how realistic I need to be. Will he be baptized, serve a mission, get married, go to college? Does he understand about our Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ? When I read him stories about praying and having faith, does that mean anything to him? Does it make him feel special? Will I have to put him in someone else's care, a group home at some point?

Unfortunately, every parent deals with many of these questions, whether your child has developmental issues like mine or behavior issues or whatever. All we can do is do the best we can as parents. Because it boils down to this-- am I doing the best I can for him? Darn tootin' I am!

If I had to pick a perfect mother for my son, I can guarantee you it would not be me. I would pick someone much more patient, more tolerant, more intelligent, more fun, more active, more beautiful, more compassionate. I do not deserve this precious boy, and I struggle with understanding why this is our journey. But, I am the mom he has. And so that is that.

I feel so guilty when people tell me "Oh, you are such a good parent." Well, I have my days. I also have my bad days, where I moan and groan and hate autism and just want my son to be "normal". I don't write all this down to get accolades or more notches in my mom belt. If I can help one mom out there who is going through what I am going through, than all this is more than worth it.